No More Mr. Nice Guy!

The Gospel according to Scooter

TUCSON, Ariz, 4/7/2110 (EAP): An early Christian manuscript has been carbon-dated by scientists at the University of Arizona Accelerator Mass Spectrometry Laboratory. The controversial document is likely to causes upheaval in the accepted story of the Son of Bush.

The document purports to show that Scooter Libby, traditionally regarded as a traitor, was in fact a willing collaborator who betrayed the cause on the personal orders of Junior W. Christ himself. The document also makes the astounding claim that it was not Junior who died on the cross, but a previously obscure female disciple named Valerie.

The manuscript is one of several heretical gnostic documents which have come to light in the last few decades. Other documents have made the claim that the apostle Tom sacrificed himself to take Junior's place on the cross. It is well known that Tom was a zealot who wanted to lead the fight in what he considered a war on Christianity, and that he wanted others to see Christ through him. However, this claim is in doubt due to Tom's frequent contact with tax collectors and prostitutes.

Church authorities have dismissed the newly discovered document as uncanonical and not divinely inspired. A spokesman for the Western Vatican, located in Bush D.C., said: "This so-called document is a product of religious fantasy which is dangerous and can only create confusion in believers."

With memories of the Hundred Year War Against Terror still fresh in the minds of many, it's likely that few theologians will openly embrace the disputed manuscript.