No More Mr. Nice Guy!

The Missing Sock Problem

Preface: Many years ago, as a nerdy grad student with no life to speak of, I wrote this article as a parody of creationist - or cretinist, as I prefer to call them - "arguments" against evolution. It actually got published in a journal which, strange to say, ceased to exist some time after that. Unfortunately the article is just as relevant today. The cretinists haven't come up with any better arguments, but their political power has grown immeasurably in George Bush Junior's theocracy - as witness the "Son of Scopes Monkey Trial" circus currently going on in Kansas.

For several decades, Secular Humanists have been brainwashing public schoolchildren with the godless, atheistic theory of evolution. Meanwhile, the scientific establishment has been engaged in a massive conspiracy to keep the truth about evolution from the public. In recent years, however, a small but dedicated group of scholars has uncovered some startling facts about evolution:

• That it is only a theory;
• That it is unfalsifiable and therefore not a theory but a religion;
• And that it is false (1,2,3)

Recently, my own observations have revealed the existence of a phenomenon which should sound the death knell for evolutionary theory. My result presents even more damning evidence against evolution than the missing link question; it is the problem of missing socks.

Every time I do my laundry, I lose a sock. This seems to be the experience of many other people. Considering the number of families who do their laundry weekly, it is a reasonable estimate that as much as 2 million socks are lost each week. If the earth is 4.6 billion years old as the evolutionists claim, and if the rate of sock disappearance has remained constant, then the sock population at the earth's formation would be 4.6 x 10¹⁷ more than it is now. Estimating the earth's surface as 5 x 10¹⁸ cm², and the area taken up by the average sock as 100 cm², we see that there are enough socks to form a layer 10 socks high completely surrounding the earth. This layer would have blocked out almost all the sun's light, preventing the formation of animo acids in the primordial soup. Thus the evolutionist account of the origin of life is refuted.

Besides, one would expect the disappearing socks to have been fossilized and preserved in the rock strata. But the fossil record is utterly devoid of socks[3] - another embarrassment for evolution.

Furthermore, Darwin's theory predicts that evolution from apes to sock-wearing humans would have proceeded gradually through a continuum of intermediate forms. It is obvious that a partially-evolved sock would be of no use to the wearer, and would in fact be a hindrance until fully developed[1,2]. Therefore, natural selection would have prevented its appearance in the first place.

Note also that the idea that "socks evolved from non-socks" is not only tautological[4], but is also forbidden by the second law of thermodynamics[1,2]. This law predicts, and everyday experience confirms, that holes tend to develop in fully-formed socks and become larger as the sock becomes more disorganized, until eventually the sock becomes completely dissipated. Evolution requires precisely the reverse process.

Finally, how is it possible that the human foot has evolved to fit the sock so perfectly? Evolution offers no mechanism except blind chance to account for this amazing result. But the odds against such a coincidence are so overwhelming as to make it a mathematical impossibility. We must conclude that an infinitely wise Creator, recognizing man's needs for socks, designed the human foot accordingly.

At this point, let us reflect on the signs, foretold so long ago, that Armageddon is close at hand. The disappearance of socks from laundromats is evidence that God is displeased with the sin and evil of this world. The hour is fast approaching when the Armies of the Righteous will triumphantly smite the dark forces of Satan. So don't be caught with your socks down!

Acknowledgements

I would like to thank the Institute for Science Destructionism, San Granola, California, for its hospitality during the writing of this work.

References

1. Morris, H.M. 1974. The Troubled Waters of Evolution. San Diego: Creation-Life Publishers.
2. Hiebert, H. 1979. Evolution: Its Collapse in View? Alberta: Horizon Books.
3. Gish, D.T. 1979. Evolution? The Fossils Say No! San Diego: Creation-Life Publishers.
4. Bethel, T. 1985. Agnostic Evolutionists: The Taxonomic Cage against Darwin. Harper's 270 (1617), 49-61.